Just want to express my feelings somewhere.
I haven't been attached for the longest while. I am starting to feel that it is because i am anti-social, intimidating to some of my guy friends, and not very appealing.
I guess those are the reasons why. But I am not bitter about it. I believe that I will still able to find someone who loves and likes me for me.
I've put myself on tinder, on coffee meets bagel. I dont know how well these apps work in an Asian community but we shall see how it goes.
What I want to say is that I have this guy friend, he is one year younger than me. Still persuing his degree, whereas I've graduated. But this guy friend, frequently chats with me. I am not sure why he speaks that much to me. I am not sure why i speak that much to him either. We met each other via our CCA in university. We weren't even talking when I was still in it. We used to be chatting and texting each other daily the beginning of this year. I dont know how we progressed to chatting and texting so frequently. But it died how a little due to his finals.
I am not sure if we will chat up again after his exams but if we do, will we progress to more than just friends?
I am not sure.
I have guy friends that are really friendly to me on instagram chats. He sometimes will reply or say something funny on the things I post. but he wasnt interested in me. in fact he recently got attached to another girl. So I am not sure what that first guy thinks about when he texts me.
But for that guy that I have been chatting frequently with. I am not sure how he felt about me. I feel that sometimes he will take the initiative to start the conversation first. and maybe i dont text and talk to that many people now after i've entered the work force, i noticed that he text me quite frequently.
I am really confused by my relationship with him. I have actually went out alone with him on an event. Actually he needed to run some errands for school so he asked me to accompany him to get the items. and after that he sent me an article about iLight at Marina Bay and I just said ' lets go!' I guess its a casual way of asking him out.
i think all the conversations i had with him was quite shallow and personal. its not like we are talking about our life goals or something or getting in a relationship.
But i am not sure if i and him will proceed on to be more than friends. I am not sure if I should even hope that things will work out with me and him. I like to think that i should not put my hopes high and just wait for something to happen between me and him.
I dont know. i suddenly feel that i am desperate to get into a relationship. :/
Monday, 1 May 2017
Its the Labour Day weekend.
I've basically done nothing for the past 3 days except to sleep, tinder, binge watch netflix.
The film that got me hooked up was 13 Reason Why.
Watching the film made me ponder; made me emo; made me reflect.
But prior to that I had a meeting with my line manager with regards to my career goals long term. And I realised that I have no idea what I want to achieve out of my fucking life. I have no idea what to do. I am just living like a robot - sleep; wake up; work; eat.
I have no goals; no aspirations; no dreams.
While watching the film, my initial thoughts were that it isn't meant for kids. I mean, the kiss scenes; sex scenes; over use of profanities.
In one of the episodes, which I forgotten which, the male lead, Clay, said that "fuck" was a pretty amazing word. And it is so damn true! It can be used in almost every context. Just add 'fuck' in every sentence and it is still being used correctly.
To all the viewers of this film, I strongly recommend that you watch that special episode where they interviewed the producers and the casts on this film and you will understand the purpose of the film, and the message they want to bring across. Because this film is more than just 13 reasons why Hannah died, its about society, its about how we handle things, its about the stress each and every one faces time to time.
I feel that the experiences Hannah been through isn't something I have gone through myself.
But during this weekend where I binge watched the entire film, it made me think.
Clearly from my previous catch up with my line manager, I have no fucking idea what I want to do with my life. Apart of me felt that I was a good student, I can study, I can memorise and ace exams. Which is a skill I have developed over the years - to understand the type of questions that lecturers ask in exams; pin point what type of questions will be asked and eventually develop this skill to answer exam questions and give them what they want.
I guess that's all I am capable of.
My social life wasn't that great. I am not a very socialable person. In fact, I think I am quite anti-social. I haven't had a boyfriend for the longest time and as I am approaching the age of 25, I think that there is something wrong with my social skills and that no body wants to speak with me and that nobody can match me.
My financial status is quite okay. Its not like Hannah's family in the film where $700 is a great deal. I mean losing $700 is a big deal. But its not like I only have $700 of liquid assets. I am able to live comfortably.
I guess what I want to say is that I am very lost in my life now.
Watching 13 Reasons Why made me reflect and question if I have depression. made me think about facing my problems.
and writing this post actually made me feel better, as I am listing down the problems, the feelings I have regarding my current situation.
Listing them down made me understand why I feel this way now.
Its a lot better that hiding it all in me, feeling lost and depressed.
I guess I am not at a stage where I need to seek help yet. But I felt that it is good that this is a safe platform for me to share my feelings.