Monday, 8 May 2017

my social life. GF/BF

Hey there.

Just want to express my feelings somewhere.

I haven't been attached for the longest while. I am starting to feel that it is because i am anti-social, intimidating to some of my guy friends, and not very appealing.

I guess those are the reasons why. But I am not bitter about it. I believe that I will still able to find someone who loves and likes me for me.

I've put myself on tinder, on coffee meets bagel. I dont know how well these apps work in an Asian community but we shall see how it goes.

What I want to say is that I have this guy friend, he is one year younger than me. Still persuing his degree, whereas I've graduated. But this guy friend, frequently chats with me. I am not sure why he speaks that much to me. I am not sure why i speak that much to him either. We met each other via our CCA in university. We weren't even talking when I was still in it. We used to be chatting and texting each other daily the beginning of this year. I dont know how we progressed to chatting and texting so frequently. But it died how a little due to his finals.

I am not sure if we will chat up again after his exams but if we do, will we progress to more than just friends?
I am not sure.

I have guy friends that are really friendly to me on instagram chats. He sometimes will reply or say something funny on the things I post. but he wasnt interested in me. in fact he recently got attached to another girl. So I am not sure what that first guy thinks about when he texts me.

But for that guy that I have been chatting frequently with. I am not sure how he felt about me. I feel that sometimes he will take the initiative to start the conversation first. and maybe i dont text and talk to that many people now after i've entered the work force, i noticed that he text me quite frequently.

I am really confused by my relationship with him. I have actually went out alone with him on an event. Actually he needed to run some errands for school so he asked me to accompany him to get the items. and after that he sent me an article about iLight at Marina Bay and I just said ' lets go!' I guess its a casual way of asking him out.

i think all the conversations i had with him was quite shallow and personal. its not like we are talking about our life goals or something or getting in a relationship.

But i am not sure if i and him will proceed on to be more than friends. I am not sure if I should even hope that things will work out with me and him. I like to think that i should not put my hopes high and just wait for something to happen between me and him.

I dont know. i suddenly feel that i am desperate to get into a relationship. :/

Monday, 1 May 2017

13 Reasons Why

Hey there,

Its the Labour Day weekend.
I've basically done nothing for the past 3 days except to sleep, tinder, binge watch netflix.

The film that got me hooked up was 13 Reason Why. 

Image result for 13 reasons why

Watching the film made me ponder; made me emo; made me reflect.
But prior to that I had a meeting with my line manager with regards to my career goals long term. And I realised that I have no idea what I want to achieve out of my fucking life. I have no idea what to do. I am just living like a robot - sleep; wake up; work; eat.

I have no goals; no aspirations; no dreams.

While watching the film, my initial thoughts were that it isn't meant for kids. I mean, the kiss scenes; sex scenes; over use of profanities.

In one of the episodes, which I forgotten which, the male lead, Clay, said that "fuck" was a pretty amazing word. And it is so damn true! It can be used in almost every context. Just add 'fuck' in every sentence and it is still being used correctly.

To all the viewers of this film, I strongly recommend that you watch that special episode where they interviewed the producers and the casts on this film and you will understand the purpose of the film, and the message they want to bring across. Because this film is more than just 13 reasons why Hannah died, its about society, its about how we handle things, its about the stress each and every one faces time to time.

I feel that the experiences Hannah been through isn't something I have gone through myself.
But during this weekend where I binge watched the entire film, it made me think.

Clearly from my previous catch up with my line manager, I have no fucking idea what I want to do with my life. Apart of me felt that I was a good student, I can study, I can memorise and ace exams. Which is a skill I have developed over the years - to understand the type of questions that lecturers ask in exams; pin point what type of questions will be asked and eventually develop this skill to answer exam questions and give them what they want.

I guess that's all I am capable of.

My social life wasn't that great. I am not a very socialable person. In fact, I think I am quite anti-social. I haven't had a boyfriend for the longest time and as I am approaching the age of 25, I think that there is something wrong with my social skills and that no body wants to speak with me and that nobody can match me.

My financial status is quite okay. Its not like Hannah's family in the film where $700 is a great deal. I mean losing $700 is a big deal. But its not like I only have $700 of liquid assets. I am able to live comfortably.

I guess what I want to say is that I am very lost in my life now.
Watching 13 Reasons Why made me reflect and question if I have depression. made me think about facing my problems.

and writing this post actually made me feel better, as I am listing down the problems, the feelings I have regarding my current situation.

Listing them down made me understand why I feel this way now.

Its a lot better that hiding it all in me, feeling lost and depressed.
I guess I am not at a stage where I need to seek help yet. But I felt that it is good that this is a safe platform for me to share my feelings.

peace out.

Monday, 2 January 2017

Lost, unsure, full of unsecurities.

Hi it's me.

As I recalled, the last time I posted was during my unemployment. Just a quick update on my life, I'm employed!

I am currently a full time employee in a MNC and working on the back end of clinical trials.
Work is fine, decent pay, good location (45 minutes from my house), decent career progression opportunities.
It isn't fantabulous neither is it a crap working environment, it's just fine.

So moving on from education, I've gotten myself a job which I see myself in for probably 3 years? With the intention of using the skills I've obtained n venture to greater grounds.

Currently I've been working for 3 full months, tomorrow is the start of the 4th month working at my current position and I'm still struggling to find a balance between work n life.

Especially life.

Currently I've nothing to look forward to after work, I exercise once a week with my best friend from my university times, and meet up with random friends once in a while. Other than that, I've no other plans.

No boyfriend. No classes. Nothing much.

I think I'm too used to looking forward to something after classes everyday and now I feel empty not having any commitments.

In addition, with the lack of a partner, I might be left on the shelf and may die alone without a partner. As with my social life right now, there is no opportunities to meet guys or hang out with new people.
And just before typing this post, I was actually googling "what to do when you are single af" this shows how screwed up I am with my life. T.T

Oh wells.

Just suddenly feeling very emotional that I am required to pen my feelings down.


Thursday, 15 September 2016

Rants of a jobless fresh graduate

Hi there.

Here I am, still jobless. Doing This and That everyday. 
When I say this and that, I meant getting stressed with unemployment, scrolling social media and be jealous of my fellow peers that has a job, doing nothing and wasting my day, getting fat being a couch potato.

Yesterday, during my usual facebook scroll, I chanced upon two posts by The Straits Times singapore which explains my situation.

Nearly 3 in 4 Singapore employers have zero plans to hire more staff in Q4: Survey

With the local papers having news about the poor economy and that some companies have ZERO plans to hire. I am at a disadvantage. Being a fresh grad, with little industry experience I am at disadvantage as compared to those with work experience. In addition. finding my dream job was my dream during my paper qualification pursue. During the entire time as a student, all I was dreaming about was having a job, having money to buy what I want, doing something important at work and that studying hard was the first step to helping me achieve my goals. 

However, this dream is a dream. Reality is not as perfect as what I dreamt. I have been unemployed and this tiring search of the dream first job is not glamorous.  

On a daily basis, 
  • I wake up at 10am in hopes of HR to call me during the office hours. 
  • Submit my applications to multiple positions on a weekly basis on various job portals and emailing to various companies directly. 
  • Text my friends (who have 1 year contract jobs) on how stressed I am doing nothing and not working
  • Stressing myself for not working or not being able to find work while comparing myself to my peers or acquaintances comparing myself to their success.
  • Doing some random shit that has zero relevance to my future job which includes typing this blog post. 
Also on a social get together setting (eg family dinners, dinner with friends),
  • I get the taboo question of "do you have a job yet, when do you start work"
  • People asking if it is hard to find a job
  • People saying that they are afraid of their future after seeing me being unemployed for so long after graduation
  • Also, there are people that tell me to take my time to search, opportunities do not arrive after the first interview, first application, and that it is normal to go for multiple interviews before landing myself in a job. 
  • There are also people that tell me to take my time to search, as once I enter the work force, its my life and I would not have any other chances to rest like now, while I am young
Through meeting up with so many people, talking to so many people with different points of views and being unemployed for so long. I am a changed person. 
I am no longer the same person I was when I was a student. 
I am not longer the same person I was when I just finished my degree. 
I am no longer the same person I was when I was just a 1 week old fresh graduate. 

At the end of the day, I want to add that I am still on a hunt for a job, for employment but this hunt is making me a better person, stronger person. As the song lyrics say: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

To those readers that are on the same page as me right now, or maybe in the future to anyone who reads this, press on. Finding a job is a process, it may or may not be easy but it will change you and help you rediscover yourself.

-end of rant, bye. I need to prepare for an interview that I have tomorrow. and if I am not wrong, its the 10th interview I have attended this year, 5th since graduation.-